The news is full of stories about war, famine and pestilence. There's recession in America, genocide in Africa and bombings in Israel. Barack Obama's pastor says hateful things, and John McCain doesn't know the difference between Iran and Iraq.
And that's just the national and international news. Locally, people are getting robbed, attacked and taken advantage of on a daily basis.
I realize bad things happen in the world, but the news, especially in an election year, seems to thrive on reporting the bad things that happen in the world. Good news, apparently, isn't news at all.
So, today, I'm going to report some good news.
Now, I don't actually have time to scour the country looking for good things to report. Instead, I'm just going to report the kind of news I wish we were getting on a regular basis. Making up news might seem like kind of a cheat, but let's be honest - cable networks do it all the time.
Let's get started:
Dateline: Washington. Confusion hit the Capitol today as various members of Congress began confessing to an untold number of inappropriate deals taking place on the Senate floor. Multiple senators from around the country admitted to attaching highly dubious addendums to various important bills.
"I stuck some legislation that would pay my wife an annual salary of $80,000 and give my kids a llama to a bill designed to provide more research money for AIDS treatments. I'm a terrible person," said one Senate member who wished to remain anonymous.
According to early reports, all misused funds from the last 10 years of legislation will be returned to the treasury and used "in an manner befitting a country that is supposed to be the hope of the world."
Dateline: New York. Spider-Man exists! By all rights, 44-year-old window washer Ken Sutherland should be dead. On Tuesday morning, his work harness broke 26 stories above the Manhattan streets.
Instead of plummeting to his death, though, Sutherland was rescued in mid-air by a man wearing a red and blue costume and swinging on what appeared to be spider webs. After safely placing Sutherland on the ground, his rescuer identified himself as "your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man" and then swung off into the air.
One onlooker was quoted as saying, "Holy (expletive deleted)! That was Spider-Man!"
Dateline: Kentucky. Handsome young columnist cures diseases with his columns. In a discovery that promises to erase all sickness from the planet, a young man living in Kentucky has discovered that his columns can cure disease.
Thirty-five-year-old Patrick Drury made his startling discovery when his best friend Paul Dorval's cold sore went away after Patrick smacked him with a rolled up newspaper containing his latest column. Further tests have confirmed that Patrick's words contain some sort of mystical healing properties that can't be explained by science.
Actress and singer Mandy Moore was quoted as saying, "Patrick Drury is amazing. I will make him mine, no matter the cost."
Patrick's fiancee, Sara Mock, was quoted as saying, "She can have him. So what if he can heal the sick? How about some flowers every once in a while?"
Drury could not be reached for comment.
Dateline: Sydney. Sugar good for you! Researchers in Sydney, Australia, have discovered that sugar, long thought to cause tooth decay and weight loss, is actually good for you.
Researchers say that a large dose of sugar in a person's diet can lower blood pressure, improve memory, aid in weight loss and increase sex drive.
A representative for Coca-Cola was approached for comment but couldn't stop laughing and rolling around in a big pile of money long enough to say anything.
Dateline: Hollywood. Hit television show "Lost" approved for eight more seasons.
Originally thought to be ending with Season Six, representatives for ABC have revealed that "Lost" will actually continue on until 2018. The ABC spokesman went on to say that they expected this to make fans of the show very happy.
Brian K. Vaughan, a writer for the show, was quoted as saying, "This is great news. We had absolutely no idea how we were gonna end this thing. This gives us a couple of years to try and pull all of this crap together. If I could figure out whose idea it was to put polar bears on a desert island, I'd beat them to death with a bag full of doorknobs."
See? Now that's what I call news!
(Just in case it's not clear, this is a parody and none of the quotes are real. Except the one about my fiancee and flowers).
Patrick Drury can be contacted by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org or through his Web site, www.patchdrury.com